I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
