Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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