I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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