I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
