Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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