a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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