Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
