Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
