So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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