my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
