Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
