You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
