WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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