How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
