Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
