Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
