I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
