Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
