Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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