I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm having to shit out rocks
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
