I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
