i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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