walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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