I am in a vortex of obligation.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
