I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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