Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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