How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
