I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
