This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
