I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
