What a fucking waste of an outfit
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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