If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
