If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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