Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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