I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
