i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It's shark week go big or go home
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
