If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
