I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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