Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
