I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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