so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
We got so high we made milksteak
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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