Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
