I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
