I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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