I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
