I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
