The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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