i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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