Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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