i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
