defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
