if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
